rants and musings

there was a time when I knew what I wanted.

unfortunately this is not the case, now.

I am confused I am lost.

I'm nineteen years old. I study filmmaking at a small liberal arts school. I am beginning to think that I hate it. I didn't have any other ideas to choose from when it came to the choice of what I would be doing for the rest of my life. so I chose filmmaking. no biggie.

I'm nineteen years old. I'm in love with someone who treats me like her annoying kid brother. she doesn't know the severity of my feelings. I see her almost everyday. she doesn't have to do a thing to make me feel this way. she just has to be her. and that really makes things hard. because in my mind, she can do no wrong. to tell her my feelings would ruin our friendship. and I don't want that.

I'm nineteen years old. I don't know where God is. I haven't been to church in nearly 3 months. mostly because I am usually too hung over from the Saturday night before. God doesn't speak to me. if he does, I can't hear him. I'd rather take drugs and drink alcohol than be responsible. my home is a very spirtual one, and I hate it. everything is related to the bible or someway that God deals with things. but I don't think that God deals with things. in my opinion, God is an observer not one to interact.

I'm nineteen years old and I'm slowly destroying myself.

--ElstonGunn